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12/7/14

Quiet Courage

Life is so full of things that scare me.  And not just the How would I get my babies out of the car in a wreck or Is my house going to burn down while I sleep kind of scary.

No.
The things that scare me the most are the things are much more plausible and messy to work through.
Questions like

What if Jesus asks us to raise our babies halfway across the world so we can love the children who have been forgotten?!

What if I have to be the bigger person and forgive with my heart is broken?

What if I put myself out there and chase the dreams God whispers to my heart and I fall flat on my face?!

What if relationships takes one sharp turn after another and leaves me somewhere I never thought I would be?

What if. . . what if . . . what if...
God used Gideon's birth to teach me something about fear.  I remember that a lot of people were so worried that we were going to try for a second home birth after Emmett's traumatic experience.  It felt like everyone thought that my salvation in childbirth would only come through tucking tail and running to the nearest hospital.  To be honest, I was definitely scared.  I remember thinking to myself, what if I die in childbirth?! Hashtaghormonesarenojoke I wasn't convinced that I could possibly have a better experience.

But I also remember thinking two things.  First I didn't want to be foolish and walk into a situation that could legitimately be dangerous.  I also clearly remember the feeling of not wanting to make a decision solely based in fear.  After clearance from medical personnel and lots of tests, we decided to try again for another home birth.

Then the coolest thing happened when God gave me the most textbook, straight forward home birth experience anyone could imagine.  Our midwife even said if she wouldn't have made it in time, I would have been fine on my own.  It was like God took every fear and apprehension I had and blew them into the wind.

So as much as I hate looking life's fearful questions in the face each day, I feel like God wants me to respond in the same way.  With quiet courage of heart, waiting on Him.  Resting.  Trusting.  Moving when He says move.  Loving when He says love.  Stepping out when He shows the way.

My greatest fear of all is getting to the end of my life and realizing that I allowed my fears and lack of trust to keep me from living in the fullest outpourings of His grace.  Because just maybe by choosing fear instead of quiet and courageous trust, I miss out on some of the biggest blessings God has for my life.

5 comments:

  1. I love that concept of quiet courage. With my last pregnancy/postpartum, I've dealt with depression and anxiety - and the "what if's" of my anxiety can paralyze me at times. But I've found that the quiet courage you talked about is sometimes choosing to stay in the moment. To not think in the past, or worry about even 5 minutes into the future, but to simply breathe in the present moment, and whisper to God that in *this* moment, right here, your will is His will. I hope you find peace in the rough areas :) xo

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  2. Nicole, thank you so much for this post. I needed it this morning. I've been struggling with moving forward after being hurt from lots of different directions and you spoke directly to my heart! Thanks for that!

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  3. I love this Nicole! I wrestle with several of those very real fears too! Good thing God is good & in control always!!! Love you friend!

    Lisa

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  4. Your last paragraph is worth framing!

    Reminds me of something from a textbook:

    "But it would be a mistake to define a good relationship as one in which we agree easily, just as it
    would be a mistake to define a good road as one that is easy to build.While it is easier to build a
    good road across a prairie than through mountains, a good road through mountains may be
    more valuable than one across a prairie. Similarly, a good relationship among parties with sharp
    differences may be more valuable than one among parties who find it easy to agree."

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  5. Oh! That snow looks so magical! I can't wait to experience cold weather again!

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