Life is so full of things that scare me. And not just the How would I get my babies out of the car in a wreck or Is my house going to burn down while I sleep kind of scary.
The things that scare me the most are the things are much more plausible and messy to work through.
What if Jesus asks us to raise our babies halfway across the world so we can love the children who have been forgotten?!
What if I have to be the bigger person and forgive with my heart is broken?
What if I put myself out there and chase the dreams God whispers to my heart and I fall flat on my face?!
What if relationships takes one sharp turn after another and leaves me somewhere I never thought I would be?
What if. . . what if . . . what if...
Emmett's traumatic experience. It felt like everyone thought that my salvation in childbirth would only come through tucking tail and running to the nearest hospital. To be honest, I was definitely scared. I remember thinking to myself, what if I die in childbirth?! Hashtaghormonesarenojoke I wasn't convinced that I could possibly have a better experience.
But I also remember thinking two things. First I didn't want to be foolish and walk into a situation that could legitimately be dangerous. I also clearly remember the feeling of not wanting to make a decision solely based in fear. After clearance from medical personnel and lots of tests, we decided to try again for another home birth.
Then the coolest thing happened when God gave me the most textbook, straight forward home birth experience anyone could imagine. Our midwife even said if she wouldn't have made it in time, I would have been fine on my own. It was like God took every fear and apprehension I had and blew them into the wind.
My greatest fear of all is getting to the end of my life and realizing that I allowed my fears and lack of trust to keep me from living in the fullest outpourings of His grace. Because just maybe by choosing fear instead of quiet and courageous trust, I miss out on some of the biggest blessings God has for my life.